i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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