glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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