I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When are your genitals available?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize