Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
