I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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