I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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