I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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