im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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