my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
