i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
