Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
