his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
