when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
