hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize