so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
