this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
