When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All the doctor said was why
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
