dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
