No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
