Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize