That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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