the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
