She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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