just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
