you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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