I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
