She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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