And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize