a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
