when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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