i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found a bag of teeth...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
