This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
