listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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