I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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