I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
