Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
