I didn't shave. On purpose
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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