it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
