happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
