is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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