I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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