My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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