Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
