you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
