What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
