her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
as a side note pls kill me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
