You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm having to shit out rocks
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize