i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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