The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
