i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
