I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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