I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
