omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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