So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
