theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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