Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The struggles of a small town man whore
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