woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
