I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
