hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
