I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
