Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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