I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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