I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
