I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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