Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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