I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
