Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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