Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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