but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Two words: nipple clamps
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