well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
