I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
