There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
