I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
