Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
